Ok...this will be a P.S. to my last post about "my worth"I've been thinking a lot about the what and whys on not being successful with a few things in my life...especially weight loss.
It's not that I don't want to be healthy or feel good about myself...you have no idea how badly I want this but a couple of things keep holding me back. First it's the feeling of being so unworthy and the even bigger one is FEAR!
Fear of failure? ...Yes!
Fear of success? ...Yes!
I don't know which one is worse for me!
You'd think that I'd be happy with the success but with that comes Fear of the unknown...there is no fear of the unknown when it comes to failure because we dine together everyday!
I've now spent over half of my life with this weight wall guarding my heart, I've known "this me" the longest...
Will I be able to deal with all that comes with it (success) including pain without turning to FOOD as my drug of choice?
And what will my attitude be in general not to mention towards those who mocked the heavier me?
I felt the pain of this 3 years ago when I had lost. The sincere and loving compliments meant everything to me but then it would only take one "slimy cat call" from the mouth of someone who had previously mocked me to set me off!
Do I let someone or something like this control my success or would it just be easier to poke em in their good eye and walk away!
Ok as long as I'm being honest here...
this brings up another area in my life that I struggle with...
CONTROL
Food is the only thing I feel that I have control over...notice I said control "over" and not "of " Check out the definition of "over"...
"above in authority, rank, power, etc., so as to govern, control, or have jurisdiction regarding"
How sad am I :*[
So how do I move forward from here?
Someone once said..."You can't change what you don't acknowledge"
So by putting these thoughts...feelings and fears on this virtual paper...this will be my official acknowledgment!
I need to stop fearing FEAR and look at it this way:
Fear is nothing more than...
Thank you Lord for helping me to be open and honest with myself
and for loving me...ALL of me!
It's not that I don't want to be healthy or feel good about myself...you have no idea how badly I want this but a couple of things keep holding me back. First it's the feeling of being so unworthy and the even bigger one is FEAR!
Fear of failure? ...Yes!
Fear of success? ...Yes!
I don't know which one is worse for me!
You'd think that I'd be happy with the success but with that comes Fear of the unknown...there is no fear of the unknown when it comes to failure because we dine together everyday!
I've now spent over half of my life with this weight wall guarding my heart, I've known "this me" the longest...
Will I be able to deal with all that comes with it (success) including pain without turning to FOOD as my drug of choice?
And what will my attitude be in general not to mention towards those who mocked the heavier me?
I felt the pain of this 3 years ago when I had lost. The sincere and loving compliments meant everything to me but then it would only take one "slimy cat call" from the mouth of someone who had previously mocked me to set me off!
Do I let someone or something like this control my success or would it just be easier to poke em in their good eye and walk away!
Ok as long as I'm being honest here...
this brings up another area in my life that I struggle with...
CONTROL
Food is the only thing I feel that I have control over...notice I said control "over" and not "of " Check out the definition of "over"...
"above in authority, rank, power, etc., so as to govern, control, or have jurisdiction regarding"
How sad am I :*[
So how do I move forward from here?
Someone once said..."You can't change what you don't acknowledge"
So by putting these thoughts...feelings and fears on this virtual paper...this will be my official acknowledgment!
I need to stop fearing FEAR and look at it this way:
Fear is nothing more than...
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
Thank you Lord for helping me to be open and honest with myself
and for loving me...ALL of me!
3 comments:
Angel, you are so dear to me, I love your heart. You are very brave and strong and you've grown so much in the Lord. I know you can overcome your fears. Remember, you can do all things through Christ Who strengthens you!
I love you!
Angel, I am sitting here with my mouth hanging open for your astounding vulnerability. I love you for that. I can hear from the words in your blog that you are truly broken. The tattered battlefield that is your heart, can still claim a glorious victory. It has been a battle over the years BECAUSE you are a prize to be won. I have a secret I want to tell you--the sheer truth of it will make you hang your head and leap for joy all at the same time, finishing the grip of the enemy...and, you have inspired me to action. thank you. call me this week.
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